Pretty Flowers :-)

Because Ryan is the best!

Wheee! Freedom!

I am no longer a receptionist!! For my last two days as a temp, I am the office "do whatever needs to be done" person. Which is way more glorious than you might be thinking. I have complete freedom to walk around the office and I am not tied to a desk!! Woohoo!! And I can leave before 5:30 if I want to. I love this.

The only downside: no AIM. It's considered a pop-up or some nonsense, so it gets blocked and I can't use it. Ugh. I gave up AIM for the freedom to use the restroom whenever I want to. Life is never easy for an administrative worker. Sigh

Fucking Monday

Monday started out just fine with me...until I got to work. If I didn't need the money, I would have already quit this week in order to have one last vacation before I start my new job, but alas, I cannot afford three weeks without a paycheck. Not unless I budgeted and planned for it. So I can only afford two days. This means after Wednesday...fuck yeah!

So someone has to cover my lunch break. I cannot sit at this desk for nine hours a day. It's ILLEGAL. Nobody wants to give me my hour lunch break, claiming they are all ridiculously busy (which I can understand, it is Monday), but come the fuck on! Work with me here. You want me to pee in the trash can under this big hulking yet rather ugly desk? I can, believe me, I have no qualms about taking a piss in front of others, but something tells me that you would rather not have me do that. It's not my fault that the person who normally covers isn't here and you all have to do it, but don't shoot the messenger of office protocol! You fuckers are the ones who made it up in the first place.

Please, please, get this day over with already! I can't handle it.

So I realize that there has been a lack of blogging about my love life, but it does make it rather difficult to provide any comments in this area, when said person reads your blog. Sorry for the lack of details, but if he quit reading it (cough, cough) you all might not suffer so.

My Version of Porn

Mmmm, Magnolia Bakery. Although I can recreate these pretty well, I have to say.

It Is Way Too Early

I am still drunk from last night. I think I celebrated too hard...ugh. I'm going home sick. I don't care if it makes me look like a pussy, I just want my bed.

I Rule!

As this week's mantra, there have been several things that have happened to me that certainly prove that this week I Rule! I had a good interview on Tuesday (at least it went pretty well), the weather has been warm, and...I got a real job! Complete with benefits and a salary. Woohoo! Maybe next week's mantra should be "I look like hot sex!" I start May 2nd. This little girl is growing up (only a year minus exactly two weeks from when I graduated college, scary). So the blog might begin to suffer a little bit while I am doing my training.

As for the whole quit caffeine thing, um, I don't think that's going to be possible right now. I've decided to cut down to one cup of coffee in the morning. No afternoon coffee or diet Coke or anything. I have got to kick this habit before I start doing something worse. I could have a far greater addiction.

The Headaches Stop Here

I am quitting caffeine starting Friday at 5:30 PM. No exceptions. I find that the amount of caffeine that I consume in a normal day is just not good. So, no more. I have the rest of the work week to binge. I really am much better at rationing, but most people have assured me that this does not work and that I will have to quit cold turkey. So be it.

Eeeewwww

It's already 71 degrees outside. I was sweating on my way to work this morning, not one hour after I had taken a shower. I always get excited when the weather gets warm again, but I forget that to move causes insane amounts of perspiration all. the. time. As soon as I step foot in the office, the air conditioner is rumbling full blast, which means in about twenty minutes I will freeze. Maybe I should rethink this whole living where there is humidity thing.

P.S., the coffee machine is broken. I want to rip someone's head off right now. People know I am not friendly before roughly three cups of coffee. It's just my sweet nature coming out like always. I am forced instead to drink tea. Tea does nothing. Nothing!

Oh wait, my co-workers rule! In the time that I have been writing this post, one has volunteered to get me some coffee from downstairs. He's my hero.

It's as if she's saying, "I'm too good for your picture. Besides, there's baseball on TV right now." Which there was. Thanks Ryan!

I Don't Know My Own Strength

This morning, in an effort to wake myself up before my interview, I fueled my body with a large cup of coffee. Any normal person would find that this is plenty of caffeinated liquid, but I am not normal anymore I decided. I could barely keep my eyes open, so I thought maybe if I slapped my face, it might actually work. Once again, any normal person will know that this won't work, and won't slap themselves in the face, but I did. I tried it once on each cheek. Nothing really. Just that heavy eyelid feeling that is corrected through hours of blissful sleep. So I tried harder. Yes, harder. See normal people don't try this. I slapped myself again with more vigor, although this time, it stung. It stung to the point that I blurt out an "Ow!" afterwards. And when I pulled a mirror out of my purse, I had left a red blotch on my cheek. Wow. I suck.

All Things Being Equal

I realize that two of my entries have recently been about morning bagels. Yes, I know. That's lame. But I haven't exactly been brimming with inspiration lately. Besides, I just really like food. I love eating, perhaps almost as much as sex. I said almost. I'm not crazy. Anyway, I can't talk about the interview process since it wouldn't be that hard to find my blog for someone with half a brain. I really don't want to have to worry about that. Getting dooced before I was even hired. So: sorry. I will try to be more creative with my entries so that everyone may enjoy them better. Gotta keep the masses happy.

Bagel, Why Are You So Good?

I think breakfast is easily becoming my favorite meal of the day (since I actually eat it now as opposed to college when I figured a can of Coke was sufficient). Plus, I think there's crack in the bagels that I get most of the time. I tried a bagel from another place Friday morning and it was by far inferior.

I saw a black Lab puppy on my way to the subway today. He was ADORABLE. I want a dog so badly, but I know with my lifestyle, that's just out of the question. But I can still whine about it. This puppy reminded me of when my family first got Murphy, our only slightly overweight (ha!) black Lab/Chou mix. He was so cute when he was little. He still is, just kind of chubby and neurotic. I don't think I've ever heard a dog whine more often than he does. What would the Dog Whisperer have to say about that?

Speaking of chubby, I heard on the radio this morning that there was a survey done among straight men, and the results were that chubby men make better lovers. Also, only 11% of them have cheated on a significant other in a relationship. Wow, stay away from those skinny men, ladies. I haven't been able to find any evidence of this survey on the internet, but I'll post a link when I find it. I want to see how "scientific" this polling was because 11% is an extremely low number. That's like too good to be true.

Why Now

First of all, is anyone else sick of hearing about Britney Spears and her pregnancy? Or that everyone keeps calling her a pop tart? It's ruining my love for one of the best breakfast pastries known to man. Ugh, to think that she procreated with that ugly, white trash makes me want to hurl. But man, has anyone seen her boobs lately? She's going to be ginormous by the time she is nursing! Damn, Gina! Oh yeah, she's having a girl. Who can grow up to be just. like. her. Maybe she should name her Peach. Or Pebbles. You know, following in the footsteps of other idiot celebrities who think they pick out the most adorable names for their children. In reality, all they have done is allow their child a life of open mockery and bitter resentment for having the stupidest name in the world.

I knew that the economy was picking up, but what I didn't expect was how quickly that might actually happen. For months, I couldn't get an interview with any company. I sent out hundreds of resumes, only to hear the echo of silence, but now, I have had three separate companies call me and want to meet with me. Crazy. Not that I am unhappy with that. I welcome the opportunity with open arms. I'm sure it has something to do with 2005 budgets and finally having the funds allocated to hire new people, but it's sort of nice to think that people WANT me. That's right, they must interview me because naturally, I am awesome. But you know what? I NEED a full-time job. I NEED a salary. I NEED health insurance that actually covers medications, not what seems like 10% of the costs. Paying forty dollars a month for birth control when I take it for medical reasons, is not fun. Really, my HMO should quit sucking and pay for it, but I know they never will. Besides, what if I couldn't afford it and was dumb enough to get pregnant right now. They would spend a whole lot more money on my pregnancy and then some covering my child than if they had gone ahead and just paid for the birth control in the first place. I hate HMO's. As a direct result of all of these annoyances, I'm probably developing an ulcer. I'm an anxiety freak, believe it or not, and tend to overanalyze things. Therefore, the ulcer will probably happen at some point.

So next week I have two more interviews scheduled (one is a result from yesterday's, so that's good right?). Bring it! I'm so ready for this. I will be that awesome chick that everyone talks about from college because she rocks and made it in New York City. I will truly be Miranda from Sex and the City (except I don't have the same haircut as her anymore, but expect something soon, because my hair is driving me crazy). So yeah, peace out.

Things That Annoy Me About Life Today

1. When I woke up this morning to my stereo alarm, the radio announcers were discussing Britney Spears' pregnancy. NOT what I want to hear first thing in the morning when I am waking up. The "MILF in training" as her shirt once pointed out is about to become a MILF. Eeeewww.

2. The guy standing pressed up against me (a little too close for my comfort actually) on the subway this morning smelled like liquor. Either take a shower before subjecting others to your nighttime activities or stop drinking at 7 AM.

3. I have nothing to do at work today which can only mean one thing: I will have nothing to do all day until someone gives me something to do at 4:45, forcing me to freak out and think I might not get to leave at 5:30.

Rip, Rip, Tear

I am wearing panty hose with my black skirt today. I haven't worn pantyhose in about two years. I want to rip them off my legs right now. No woman should like wearing these. They are incredibly itchy and annoying and make me look whiter than I have ever been before. Only plus: I haven't shaved in about a week, so they fantastically hide my scary "Chewbacca-hairy" legs. Oh yeah, they're good for hiding bruises too. Somehow I have a tendency to run into things, completely sober, such as doors, dressers, couches. I broke my toe once when I kicked my dresser accidentally.

Round Two

is Thursday morning. Must exude "I am the shit" attitude. Because I am. And I need this job. Thinking of taking the entire day off Thursday. Why not? It's not like I have anything that I need to do. Nap. That is something to do.

On another note, I enjoy having a booty call that lives an approximate ten minute walk from me. Talk about your easy access. So nice not to have to go forty-five minutes into the city at 11 o'clock at night for one thing. Thinking about calling on my way home to see if he is available tonight. That's right, I finally remembered to leave my phone on, so when he called, I got his number to call him back. Apparently it's hard for boys to leave their phone numbers so you can actually call them back.

Okay, so if you are related to me and do not want to get grossed out by a little too much detail into my love life, STOP READING NOW. I'm just giving you the opportunity to save yourself from wanting to rip your eyeballs out. It's not really that bad, but sort of has that Oedipus vibe going on. Whatever.

So okay, I did some reflecting about Buttface last night. Had our relations continued, I think he would have been very toxic for me. It was probably a good thing that he turned out to be an asshole sooner rather than later (I feel like I should start singing Britney Spears right now). Yes I realize all my friends are laughing at me right now and saying "Duh!" as loudly as possible. But you weren't there. Amazing how easy it is for us to fall victim to the facade of decency when all that lies underneath is narcissim and lies. But I think the signs were there, I just didn't want to see them because I only paid attention to the things I wanted to believe. The last time that I saw him (this was before the little slip up back in February, that one doesn't count), he didn't even kiss me. I didn't realize how much of a whore (been using that word quite a bit lately) that made me feel until recently. Such a simple thing to do, but such a loss when it's not there. Also, there were the times when he was all too willing to bring another girl, or guy, into the sexual picture. He claimed it was for my benefit and that I would enjoy it, but I know better than that. He just wanted to be entertained, with little regard for me. I don't understand his point of view, but I know I don't do threesomes with my friends and I definitely don't enjoy watching them have sex (not that I have ever actually tried this, but something tells me I wouldn't like it). The first couple of times he said it, I thought he was joking, but I then realized that maybe he wasn't. I also found it odd that most of his female friends had slept with him at one point or another. Other people claim it's easy to have a sexual relationship with a friend and then end the sexual part easily. I have never been this way, so I went on their judgements.

I just want a nice man who doesn't want to share me with others. Why does this seem like a difficult thing to find?

Am Not!

So, I am NOT the worst shopper/spender in the office, I just always go on my lunch break, so people see me come back to the office with whatever I buy. That doesn't make me the worst, just the most obvious. Okay? Don't confuse the two. People keep telling me this like it's some awful, awful thing. So I like to shop. At least I don't smoke crack. Could be a far worse addiction.

I have discovered the DVD player at my work computer. Mmmmm, watching Pirates of the Caribbean and drooling over Orlando Bloom. I shouldn't be allowed this much fun on a Friday afternoon.

Blow Off Day

It was very hard to come back to the office after lunch. It is fabulous outside. How about I have all the phone calls forwarded to my cell phone instead? That would work.

70 degrees, no jacket on, jetting down Park, listening to Kevin Lyttle...

Oh that's right. I went there.

Bagel Gripes

I was on my way to work this morning and I decided to stop and get a bagel. Mmmmm, bagel. I swear the coffee cart man must put crack in his bagels. They are just that good. I bring them from home on occasion, but they pale in comparison. So anyway, I ask the man for a plain bagel with butter. I place my dollar on his window and wait as my bagel disappears in a brown paper bag. He hands me my change and I proceed into my building (his convenience factor is awesome). After some issues with both the coffee machine and the water machine, I sit down, ready to eat all of the bagel-y goodness, when I realize that he has given me a cinnamon raisin bagel. Ok, ok, not what I really wanted this morning, but I am not opposed to eating these types of bagels. However, what made me make a face was that in addition to the cinnamon and the raisin flavors, my bagel had somehow tainted itself. It had been out slutting with the everything bagels. How dare my bagel do that? Whoring itself to the other bagels, so that all I could taste was the cheap aftertaste of onion! And mixed with the cinnamon raisin! Absurd. See, now that it's spring, even the bagels can't keep away from each other.

On another brief note (further details will be revealed as I decide to divulge them), I got some much needed play last night. Definitely a good way to release some built-up tensions and aggressions.

Do Me Now Baby

Text message received 11:57 PM: You should be taking it from me right now

OH YEAH. That gets me so hot I can't even concentrate right now. All I can think about is you, and me, and you giving it ALL to me RIGHT NOW.

Why do men think talk like that is hot? Do I have the word whore written on my forehead?

Spring Fever

So guess who has a phone interview Monday afternoon? That's right, me. I rule! Finally, an analyst position that if things were to work out, would use some of my actual brain functions (and not to mention, some of that really expensive economics degree that I have in my possession). I have to say, I am a bit nervous though because the interview is with the CEO of the company. Yes, it's small, yes it's a software company, so they are probably a bit relaxed, but this guy is a tax lawyer. He might be kind of scary. I've met those types before and they can be quite, well, confident if I want to put it nicely. But we shall see. All nervousness aside, I am glad to be out of the rut, even if it is only a phone interview.

Has anyone looked out the window today? It's gorgeous out! I didn't even have to wear a real jacket today. I wore my very cute new turquoise blazer that mommy bought me. I stepped out of the apartment feeling very sexy today, which is always nice. Strutting my stuff down the sidewalk in my cute little slingback shoes... I am the coolest chick ever! My theory is that it has a lot to do with the underwear for women. If they are wearing sexy, fun underwear, that feeling is projected in their outward manner. You know, that cute little black thong or the fun striped bikinis. The granny panties don't tend to work out so well, at least not for me. Of course, it could be the weather too. All of a sudden, it's like this whole city woke up and got really frisky. The sudden shedding of winter layers has got people all riled up. A hot female walks onto the subway car and every straight male looks up from his ipod or newspaper, looks her up and down, and I'm sure imagines what she looks like with no clothes on. Duh, I do that too for a hot man. Sometimes bodies are just too beautiful to be covered up.

Mommy's Visit

On the Brooklyn Bridge. I know, the picture is crooked and I'm sooooo hot. Yes I also realize that we look exactly like each other. After 22 years, you tend to notice these things.

"Seamen Ladies, Twelve O'Clock!"

On my lunch break today, I saw several young men in uniform. My initial reaction was...Fleet Week...nice. Until I realized that isn't until the end of May/beginning of June. Duh. My overly eager libido will just have to be put to rest until then. My only guess is that these guys were West Point cadets, and in that case, that's about as close to jailbait as they come for me.

Take the quiz:

What do you love about making love?


Intimacy
You love to be intimate with someone. You know every inch of them, you're big on touching and any kind of body contact especially cuddling though you need to feel comfortable with someone.

Young, Fabulous, and Beyond Broke

Duh, that's totally me. I checked my bank balance this morning before heading to work, and realized I don't even have enough money to purchase a monthly subway pass. I don't have any money period, save the money in my wallet. I'm actually at about -$30. I had to dig and find $6 to at least make it riding the subway through tomorrow morning when hopefully my check that I deposited yesterday will be in my account. Doh!

So, I have placed a temporary hold on my checking account. This means no boozing for at least two weeks to replenish my funds. This seems to be where the majority of my spare change is going, and not to my bills like it should be. The upside: maybe I will become a cheap drunk and those jeans that have become a little too tight will indeed fit again. Wishful thinking I suppose. It's like those days in college when I would say, "I am never drinking again!". A week later, back at it.

Please, employment gods, grant me an interview in which I can impress people with my fabulous skills and be granted a salaried job in which I get paid vacation days and sick days. Please. It's really no fun being a drunk and unemployed (which I sort of am because I am only temporary staffing). Before I started doing this, I would lie on the couch for eight hours straight watching as much trash television as possible, maybe hit the bottle at 4 PM if the desire so struck me. What else do you do when you're unemployed? Actually look for a job? Who does that? I was lucky if I actually showered two days in a row. Yes, gross, I know, but don't make me go back to that, employment gods. I beg of you.

To all the "funny" men in my office:

Now, I realize that in your boring corporate day this might seem hilarious, but really, stop. Seems that about one out of two of you stops at my desk, observes me eating my turkey, avocado, and cucumber sandwich. This isn't the part that you find funny though. You see the 13 oz. bag of Doritos that I am eating chips from (which I just purchased from K-mart an hour ago, so why shouldn't I eat some of them?) and must make the comment, "Hungry today?" and then laugh. Ok, ok, I get it, it looks as if I might actually eat the whole bag. But let's reflect on my size and stature. I am a very thin person. Do I look like I might eat a giant bag of Doritos all in one sitting? That I might actually devour all 13 oz. of chips?

After hearing it for the tenth time, it's no longer funny.

Monday, why do you suck so bad?

Monday, you really are the worst day of the week. No really, you are. You start the week, so I have five whole days to bitch and complain about how I can't wait for the weekend to come around, and just when I am ridiculously excited because it is Saturday morning, there you are again. Monday morning, and I am sitting at my desk, with my coffee in hand, thinking about how all I want is for it to be Saturday morning again. Then, and only then, can I feel a sense of accomplishment by sleeping nearly the entire day, only removing myself from my bed long enough to forage for food.

Mondays do really suck.

Now entering day two of Detox Week. After making a somewhat pathetic attempt at drinking on Saturday night, I'm taking the week off (well, the work week at least). We'll see about the weekend. I might need my Jimmy back.

Oh, Yeah...

So, call me crazy, but if I tell someone that "I really don't want to talk you right now. Go fuck yourself" and then hang up the phone, that's a pretty good indication that I really don't want to talk to him. Yes, that is right, Buttface has resurfaced again. I thought men responded to obvious, straight answers, but clearly I was WRONG.

My cell phone rang at approximately 1:17 AM only after I received a text message prior to that with two words in it: "Booty call?" Cuz that's gonna happen. Friggin asshole.

Is that some sort of turn-on? The nastier I am, the more of a challenge it is, therefore, it's that much better? Je ne comprends pas.

My Life As a Mastercard Commercial

One pint of Yuengling lager: $4

Three Jack and Cokes: $24

One slice of really good cheese pizza: $2.25

One long-ass cab ride home due to construction: $16

Watching Ryan get drunk on his first "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto" birthday: priceless.

But now I am le tired.