I don't even know why I bother to listen to the Presidential Debate. Neither one of these men is going to run this country well. I'm living proof of that. It's been almost 5 months since I graduated college and can I get a job? No. I can't even get an internship. How about they fix the labor market here? Everyone thinks if Kerry is elected things will change instantly. It's going to be the same country now as it will be one year from now. Kerry will still have to clean up Bush's messes and that would take a while. The only reason I'd rather live in Hell than see Bush as President again is that he is slowly scraping away women's rights in this country. As a citizen, I have a God given right of how I get to live my life and nobody, no Republican is going to tell me how to live it and what I can and cannot do. Screw that.

It's almost my birthday!! Woohoo!! This means that it's almost time to go boozin and whorin in Manhattan! Yay!

22 is one of those cocktease birthdays. It doesnt have much special significance except push you further into the mid twenties, but mine is cool because I am in Manhattan. That just makes everything awesome.

Stupid Bitch, You're Fired!

Tattoo Update: Very, Very Itchy. You know how people tell you not to do things and all you want to do is that thing you're forbidden? Like scratch the crap out of my tattoo? Yeah.

Anyway, the Apprentice is awesome. My favorite quote tonight was when Carolyn told the women, "I'm embarassed to be a businesswoman." It was no surprise to me when the men won (oh my how hot are all of them?) and the women were back in the board room. Kind of reminds me of sorority days when people got in trouble for the stupidest things or when people were afraid to take responsibility when they screwed up. Stacey J made a comment before she was fired about how they had all formed this sorority against her. Really is true.

There's this whole theory about alpha males, beta males, etc. Social psychology is really interesting. I like reading stuff about it. But then I started thinking about the episode of the Simpsons when Homer became the Alpha Crow, got attacked by them when he rejected the murder, and was on medicinal marijuana. That was a great episode that I watched many times junior year.

Then I got curious why a group of crows is called a murder and found this answer: http://www.ascaronline.org/crowfaq.html
Mother Nature is weird.

So I can officially say that the worst part of getting a tattoo is that it is painful afterwards. It feels like a really bad sunburn and I am not allowed to touch it. I realized that I forgot to say what it looked like in my last entry. It's a celtic lover's knot on my lower back. It's red and black and looks totally awesome. Well it will when all the gross stuff stops happening. Right now it's all covered in goo and the skin is all red still. Oooooo....

I am already planning my next two. I want another celtic one of a triskele and then I saw this really cool Chinese flower design that would look really good around the knot I just got. This is an addiction. People say that once you get one, you keep on going. So true.

I have defiled my body permanently. The five piercings aren't permanent in my opinion so I don't count those. I got a tattoo as an early birthday present to myself!! Woohoo - can't wait to see how the parents feel about this one, although I think I might wait a while to tell them that since I have no money and they probably won't think that is a productive way to spend my money. Who needs to eat when you have a cool tattoo on your body? I see how its addictive though. I am already planning out my next one. Has to be in a place that I can cover though. Stupid working world. I wish I could be a musician so that I could do whatever I want. Too bad that requires enormous talent and I have none.

I have come to two conclusions. One, being unemployed, I watch way too much damn television. Seriously, it's gotten pretty bad.

Second, someone forwarded this to me. Wow. Oddly frightening. Just read this: http://www.juancole.com/2004_09_01_juancole_archive.html#109582366638394688

Oprah rocks.

Today's Oprah show was awesome. It couldn't have come at a better time. Cleared up a few things though. If you have to make excuses to explain a guy's behavior, he's just not that interested. Although we like to think that men are complicated, apparently they are very easy, simple creatures to understand. Then the light bulb in my brain clicked. Instead of waiting around on two guys, I should wait around for none and get out there and start meeting more boys. Yay. I enjoy being a little bit of a player here in the big city. I never used to be this social. I think it is the city atmosphere. Or something in the water.

Oh my God it's so late. I want to go to sleep but my body won't let me. Damn it. This is when I start having crazy thoughts. The lack of sleep makes my brain all weird and then really bizarre ideas start creeping into my head. You have no idea how disturbing some of them really are. I also start thinking about my life which doesnt make the trying to sleep any easier. I start to what if about things and am currently trying to figure out what I want out of life, especially in a relationship. These are not good things to think about at 4 in the morning. I should be having crazy dreams instead. You know, when you're not awake.

I think this whole insomnia for the night started because I started listening to my old mix cd's that I have made over the years and then I got all pumped up with energy. Don't do that before bed. Cuz then you can't sleep. Like me. Sigh. Maybe I should hit up the tequila bottle and see if that helps. A little night cap never hurt anyone. Just the liver, but your liver is amazingly resilient. I learned that this summer when mine got an inflammation. Its ability to heal itself is quite cool. See, the weird thoughts again. I can't escape them. Man am I gonna be tired tomorrow.

Shadows, 12 Stones

Look around and tell me what you see, a place
Surrounded by the hate that hides in the shadows
Inside of you, inside of me,
What can we ever hope to see if we're not looking
Don't you want to find your own way home again
Just leave your hate behind

When will you learn to just be you,
Find your own way
When will you learn to follow through,
Make your own way

Looking for something to believe,
I find the answer starts with me each time I follow
Inside of you, inside of me, what can we ever hope to be
If we're not trying
Don't you want to find your own way home again,
Just leave your hate behind

Find another way to get inside me
Find yourself
Don't you want to find your own way home again
Just leave your hate behind

I found this poem in some of my things. I don't know who wrote it, it's just on a piece of paper, but I find that it applies to my life currently and expresses some things that I have been feeling. Anyway.
12:30 AM

a quiet time
i hear you breathing
my heart has slowed
your face, so tender
our souls entwined in this bed
why is my heart crying?
tears of requited love
joyfully i touch your cheek
your sleeping eyes
see nothing but night
but i see you
lying beside me here
and my pleasure is all yours.

Only in New York...

So I was on the N train coming back from Manhattan today when this guy sits down next to me. I don't pay much attention since I am reading my book, but I look up to see what stop the train is at and I glance over at what he is reading. I see breasts. It's this small comic book style, Spanish porno. The people were getting it on and he's just reading this in public on the train! Only in New York. Then, I'm walking from the stop to my apartment and this kid is talking on his cell phone. He looked no older than twelve. When I was twelve, I was happy to have a tape player. Crazy.

I'm watching Oprah. It has the cast of Ladder 49 (I think that's the title) on today. Of course, I don't even watch for ten minutes before I start crying. Why does Oprah always make me cry?

You know what's really fun? Blaring really angry, self-wallowing music really loudly. Definitely makes me wallow in self-pity (as the type of music suggests) until I stop playing the music. Once I quit listening to it, the mood is lifted, usually. Several of my favorites: 12 Stones, Evanescence, Smile Empty Soul, Stone Sour, Puddle of Mudd, Seether, Chevelle, AFI. And you wonder why I am so angry all the time....

By the way, subconsciously, my body has decided to whore me through Manhattan. That's right. I've already hit up Manhattan and Queens. Only 3 more boroughs to go. See, this is what happens when I listen to this kind of music. I get angry and bitter. It fuels the way-over-the-top-dramatic behavior. I don't like being the center of attention and have everyone know my problems and what not. I just fix it by being obnoxious with loud music. It's not necessary to air my dirty laundry all over the place. Done.

In case you were wondering what has caused the weird mood and the angry music, you're just gonna have to keep on wondering. I have given my blog a rating of PG and I cannot divulge this sensitive material at this time as it would violate the blog rating. If you are curious, give me a call and I will fill you in. :-/

I think I'm developing the black lung (tiny cough, tiny cough)...

Today has been the first time that I have moved in about four days. That's right. A certain very charming and apologetic person got under my skin again on Thursday and I couldnt say no. Why is it so easy to be a bitch to so many people but to him I can't do it? He just has to look at me and I turn into this stupid thirteen year old girl who blushes, smiles, and says, "Okay." Stupid. Anway, I had to walk to the store to find food that wouldnt tear up my throat since it is still sore. First of I was all out of it and worried about passing out or getting hit by a car or something weird. My body is still hopped up on liquid tylenol even though I havent actually taken any since yesterday. I felt like a tourist though cuz I looked around and all I saw were people. Tons of people. Not that it was different from any other Wednesday afternoon but it just seemed insane. Of course, I havent left my apartment since Saturday so I probably am a little crazy anyway.

Today marks the fourth month of my unemployment. Vector doesnt really count since I only did it for about two weeks before I got sick again and quit. I need a fucking job to keep my sanity now, I've decided. I am becoming stupider by the minute. But now I must go to bed since it is late and I do NOT want to get sick again. That was just misery no person should go through. When you cant even swallow your own saliva because your tonsils are so enflamed, you know its bad. Maybe I should just get rid of them.

I've decided to take an informal poll among guys:

Do you find it unattractive when women burp while consuming large quantities of alcohol?

So far I've gotten good responses. Most guys think its funny or cute. Yes, this is what I do with my spare time now. You can laugh now.

I was shopping around NoLita today and saw the greatest wife beater ever. I totally would have bought it had it not been 65 dollars. I could make my own for a lot cheaper. It was white with a slogan on the front in black. It said:

the only bush that i trust is my own.

Awesome. Go New York for intently disliking the worst President ever. Ok, well maybe that was Nixon.

Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane!!

The cool thing about having a billion channels on tv is that I can watch music videos on vh1 classic like Rocked You Like a Hurricane by Scorpions. Awesome song. Speaking of hurricanes, glad to know that everyone I know in Florida is alright after Frances demolished stuff.

By the way, Marilyn Manson has done a remake of Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode. The video is SCARY. It will frighten children. I am 21 (less than 30 days until the big 22!) and it frightened me. A lot. He always manages to get scarier and scarier.

I started reading this book called Pledged: The Secret Lives of Sororities. I highly recommend that anyone who is in or is an alumna of a sorority read this book. Not only is it extreme from what my chapter was like at Witt, but there are some things that are exactly the same. Same old bullshit and girl DRAMA. Dont get me wrong, I don't regret any of it, but damn, it reminds of how in the real world I dont have to put up with some of that crap. Anyway, teh book shadows four girls over a year period. I read half the book yesterday cuz I got sucked into these girls and their situations. Plus, another funny part is when the author mentions a midwest chapter of G Phi B that has throwing up contests after they eat. I started laughing. Miami, what?

My Boyfriend's Name is New York.

Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie realizes she is dating the city? I had that same recollection today. My boyfriend takes me to movies, takes me out shopping, we go for walks, and even takes me out to eat. That's right, just me and New York. I didnt think I could ever be in love with a city this much, but I really am. Seriously, New York is great. Sometimes I get a little bored but that's mostly out of laziness. When I venture out, it's always good.

Anyway, so last night when I was out, I'm pretty sure that this woman bartender was hitting on me. I never had to wait more than five seconds to get a drink and she was really nice to me. She was pretty too. As far as the scale of lesbian hierarchy goes, that's good right? At least she wasnt a scary lesbian. Too bad I'm not into that though, otherwise I could have scored myself a date. As Erin put it, "We can't help it that two genders like us." Haha.

I saw Vanity Fair with my boyfriend New York. Loved it. The costumes were great first of all but the whole movie was very witty. The only thing I didnt really like was that Reese Witherspoon was the main character. She was supposed to play this really selfish social climbing mountaineer and I didnt buy it in some of the scenes. They needed someone a bit more bitchy to play the role. All I could think about was Legally Blonde. "Bend....and snap!" But otherwise I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Go Bucks!

So I didn't think a football game could be really boring, but the Ohio State game is not interesting me today. Nobody is scoring or doing anything. Lame. I am getting ready to go see Vanity Fair cuz it looks sweet. I'm going by myself because I am cool like that. Actually, nobody I know here would want to see it. Not their kind of movie. If I dont go see it now, I probably won't see it because there isnt a movie rental place closeby. I could hop on the train and find one farther away in Astoria, but I am lazy. No sense in taking an extra half an hour to return a movie especially if I have to wake up early to take it back the day it is due. Plus, it's friggin hot today and the idea of sitting in air conditiong for two and a half hours sounds blissful.

Ok, so I got bored and took this from Baxla's blog. I realized I have watched a lot of movies and I got curious.

1. Bold the titles for the movies you've watched in their entirety.
2. Italicize the titles for the movies you've only partially watched.
3. Add three titles of your own choosing to the list.
4. Add a link to your list in the comments.

01. Trainspotting
02. Shrek
03. M
04. Dogma
05. Strictly Ballroom
06. The Princess Bride
07. Love Actually
08. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
09. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
10. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
11. Reservoir Dogs
12. Desperado
13. Swordfish
14. Kill Bill Vol. 1
15. Donnie Darko
16. Spirited Away
17. Better Than Sex
18. Sleepy Hollow
19. Pirates of the Caribbean
20. The Eye
21. Requiem for a Dream
22. Dawn of the Dead
23. The Pillow Book
24. The Italian Job
25. The Goonies
26. Baseketball
27. The Spice Girls Movie
28. Army of Darkness
29. The Color Purple
30. The Safety of Objects
31. Can't Hardly Wait
32. Mystic Pizza
33. Finding Nemo
34. Monsters Inc.
35. Circle of Friends
36. Mary Poppins
37. The Bourne Identity
38. Forrest Gump
39. A Clockwork Orange
40. Kindergarten Cop
41. On The Line
42. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
43. Final Destination
44. Sorority Boys
45. Urban Legend
46. Cheaper by the Dozen
47. The Crow
48. The Princess and the Warrior
49. Seabiscuit
50. Hard Core Logo
51. Phantom of the Paradise
52. Zardoz
53. Lost in Translation
54. American Beauty
55. Big Fish
56. Starship Troopers
57. Starship Troopers 2
58. The Lost Boys
59. All About Eve
60. Showgirls
61. Swept Away
62. Kimberly
63. Velvet Goldmine
64. Deliverance
65. The Prophecy
66. The Secret of Roan Inish
67. Rugrats: The Movie
68. Fight Club
69. The Good, the Bad & the Ugly
70. Mystery Science Theater 3000: the Movie
71. The Shining
72. Run Lola Run
73. Halloween
74. Barfly
75. Naked Lunch
76. Rushmore
77. Brazil
78. The Maltese Falcon
79. Cat Soup
80. Better than Chocolate
81. Out of Africa
82. Rebecca
83. Office Space
84. Lost Horizon
85. Inn of the Sixth Happiness
86. City of God
87. Secretary
88. Rabbit Proof Fence
89. I'm With Lucy
90. A Life Less Ordinary
91. Dream for an Insomniac
92. Amelie
93. About a Boy
94. Zoolander
95. Dodgeball
96. The Village
97. Body Shots

So that last one sounds like porn, and it practically is, but it was on a movie channel tonight (since we get like 200 channels now) so I become intrigued. And I watched it. So? What else am I gonna do when I don't go out on a Friday night?

Earmuffs...

So today was another boring day. I know I shouldnt be bored in New York City, but since I am unemployed, cannot take the time to go into the city much. It will inevitably cost money even if you don't have the intention of spending any. You'll realize that you've walked all over the place for four hours and want to sit down somewhere that involves air conditioning. So you must buy something (most likely a beverage). That stuff adds up, especially when I just bought the cutest pair of fuschia sandals on clearance at Macy's. Yay.

That brings me to another gripe. At least the Republican National Convention is over soon because I went to Macy's and felt like I was under surveillance. Everyone was, but it was like Big Brother is Watching You. They have cameras everywhere and I saw at least fifty cops from the subway stop to the front door at Macy's. There's all these roadblocks and such. I wish we could exterminate all the Republicans like roaches. That's what they are you know.

So that brings me back to my day. I woke up, didnt shower until this afternoon, but sent out more resumes that I know I wont get a response to. Its pathetic really and manages to make you feel like a total moron. I'm not a stupid person and I know if someone just gave me an interview I could totally prove myself, but this not knowing or doing anything is killing me. I feel like a total loser sometimes. My roommate came home from her orientation and I was like, "Hey, havent showered yet today. Sitting in front of my computer pretty much all day." She probably thinks I'm this total sloth because when I am not sitting at my computer, I am watching tv. She goes out and leaves and when she comes back, I am still sitting in the apartment. I want a fucking job! It's not like I can hang out with friends, since I only know like three people in the city right now. I don't want to freak them out and stalk them every day. Then I would know less people and that would be bad. The city is awesome and I love it here, don't get me wrong, but I could use something to fill the giant hole that is a part of my daily routine.

Penis Penis Penis, Vagina Vagina Vagina!!

I love New York mainly for all of its creativity that people are not afraid to express. There is this bakery in the East Village called Masturbakers. They make all different kinds of penis and female genitalia cakes. There's even one of the male torso in which there is an erect chocolate penis that can be placed on the cake. Now that's worth eating!

That's not all. There's this bar somewhere in the Village where the waiters and bartenders are dressed up as monks and there's Gregorian chant playing. If you are too loud, people get mad at you. I'm not kidding.

It's nice to be around people that are as weird as I am. Seriously. It's refreshing. Makes me feel less weird sometimes.